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Congratulations! You have completed the tutorial. You have gained reputation. You may now see your experience points. You may now spend your experience points.

Your Reputation in England: Unknown

Your World Reputation: Unknown

XP: 23

New Achievements: Scouting 1; Slummin' It

Perks Unlocked: Player Profile 2; Attributes 1; 4-4-2; Super Scout

I stood there staring at this message for so long that when I sort of slipped back into my body again, another match had started on the pitch in front of me. So I've completed the tutorial, have I? I had a LOT to say about that, but no-one to say it to. Nick, the weird old foreigner, would get an earful the next time I saw him. Three questions to start with: 1) Why wasn't I told there was a tutorial? 2) How did I finish said tutorial? 3) What the fuck have you done to me you absolute DICK?

So what was different now that I'd completed the tutorial? I scanned the new players and didn't see anything different. There was one real speed merchant who had acceleration 11 and pace 10, and one Mediterranean-looking guy who had the highest technique score I'd seen: 8. So the players were different, of course, but I wasn't different.

I tried to 'open' the message again, but it had gone. But I wanted to re-read what it said! I tried 'clicking' the corner of my vision where the envelope icon had been, and a new 'screen' appeared in my vision. In a panic, I looked away. It vanished. I checked out my feet, the sky, the corner flags. All good. Breathe in for three seconds, breathe out for four. I let my eyes unfocus and tried to bring the new screen back.

On the left were some tabs. One said 'Max Best' and ‘tapping’ that gave me three options: Personal Profile (where I could see my XP and achievements), News, and 'Retire'. The latter seemed very ominous. Below 'Max Best' were three more boxes, but they were currently blank.

Top and centre of the new screen was the title 'Max Best News'. Below those words lay a kind of Twitter feed. The latest 'tweet' said Perk Unlocked: Super Scout. Around the tweets were different kinds of filters, including ones like 'Contracts and Media', 'Transfers', and 'Records'. Clicking on these filters proved as easy as reading my messages - I just had to think it. Of course, I had no 'news' about contracts, transfers, or records, so the filters were useless. For now.

I clicked on the news item that said Perk Unlocked: Super Scout, and found that it contained a description. A brief description.

Buying the Super Scout perk adds CA and PA data to player profiles.

Cost: 10,000 XP

UNIQUE SPECIAL OFFER: Buy before August 1st and pay only 1,000 XP!

Great. Love getting a deal. Now I just needed to know what CA and PA meant. I tried clicking on those terms, but nothing happened.

Anyway, it wasn't urgent, since I didn't have 1,000 XP. I had 23. No... 24.

Now that was a head-scratcher. I'd earned one experience point recently, but had absolutely no idea how.

Moving onto my previous news items, I found explanations for my achievements. Scouting 1 was awarded because I'd examined the profiles of 10 players. I had been awarded 1 XP for that as part of the 23 from the tutorial. But awarded by whom? By God? By Nick? By the Football Association?

Slummin' It also gave me 1 XP. It came because I'd spent more than half my time watching non-league matches.

Oh-kay... So some XP came from hitting targets. If this curse followed video game rules, maybe there would be a list of achievements that I could aim towards completing. I glanced at my XP - still 24. Hadn't earned any for a couple of minutes. I didn't know how much I should care about XP, but I already knew that I'd at least try to get 1,000 to unlock the CA/PA perk, if only to find out what CA/PA meant.

Speaking of perks, I investigated the other ones that were available to buy. Player Profile 2 would cost 100 XP and would unlock a tab called History. Attributes 1 would let me see another player attribute, at a cost of 315 XP.

Finally, I could buy 4-4-2 for 50 XP. This was considered so obvious by the ... interface designers? ... that there wasn't even an attempt at explanation. 4-4-2 is a way to set up a football team. Pretty much the most basic formation, especially popular with amateur teams. So if I bought this, what would I, personally, get?

With a sigh, I closed all the screens. Bonkers. Bizarre. Pointless.

I ambled over to the half-way line and asked how long was left. The coach of the red team looked at his watch and said, "about 10 minutes."

"Thanks."

I decided I'd watch those ten minutes and at half-time I'd go home and try to put my thoughts into order. There had to be a meaning behind all this, right? What was the point of me being able to see in numerical terms someone's pace? The only thing I could think was that if I watched enough football I might find someone fast enough to qualify for the Olympics. And what good would that do me?

The half-time whistle blew and I started making my way home. I thought about buying a wrap from the little stand they had next to the indoor complex. I checked my pockets - I still had the hundred pounds that Nick had given me, but there was more chance of me playing for Manchester United than this little stall giving me change for a hundred. A Scottish hundred! I counted the rest of my cash. I could just about wrangle a chicken wrap with no drink. If only my bank balance went up like my XP did!

The thought made me freeze. I opened what I was coming to think of as my personal profile, and found that I now had 34 XP.

Wait wait wait. I had 24 and then I watched about 10 minutes of football. Could it be that simple?

I bought the cheapest wrap - god I wished I had another pound for some onions! - and went to watch the second half. These games had 40 minute halves, and sure enough, at the final whistle I'd earned another 40 XP.

Well, well, well.

With 74 XP in the bank, I had a choice. I could buy 4-4-2 right away, or keep saving up. What I really wanted was to buy the Super Scout perk. But I also wanted to just find out what all this was about. Like, what was the point of it all? It seemed obvious that buying something would give me a big clue.

So I moved away from the pitch, sat on a bench, and bought 4-4-2. It was easy enough - just a matter of clicking and confirming.

And... absolutely nothing happened. I clicked around through all my screens, menus, and subtabs, and just couldn't find anything different. (Except that I’d lost 50 XP.)

Ah well, the mistake had cost me 50 minutes, basically. I just had to watch more football.

There were no more games going on outside, but there was one in the sports hall. I went and sat in the little stand and did some maths on my phone. To get 1,000 XP I’d need to watch about 11 games. There were 11 days left in July, not counting today. I could easily do it if I simply had to be near some football matches.

Doing the maths and thinking about when and where I could reliably find games to watch took me about 5 minutes. But in that time I’d only added 2 XP. That was worrying - if I got less and less XP per minute then things would get very tedious, very quickly, and I wouldn’t come close to having 1,000 by the end of the month.

One of the players caught my eye. It was 7-a-side and one team had two female players. The one I was interested in didn't have good attributes, at least, not in a footballing sense. I allowed myself to discreetly perv at her for 5 minutes, and another check showed me that I'd earned 5 XP.

Time for another experiment! I watched the game allowing myself to get distracted, looking at what the other spectators were doing, checking my phone. Guess what? After 10 minutes of that, I'd earned 3 XP. Then I set a timer for 6 minutes and watched carefully until it beeped, and boom. 6 XP in the bank. So clearly there was something about how intently I watched the matches that factored into how much experience it was giving me. That made sense.

A vast, stadium-shaking yawn oozed out of me. I'd learned enough for one day.