When I finished my morning session with Rufus, I felt raw and angry with an overwhelming sense of frustration. At my parents. At my life… at myself.

My usual disposition kept my spirits up; I could embrace a well-balanced life juggling parentally enforced naiveté with the power to crush skulls in one hand and organize battle formations with the other… it was a wonder I'd been able to survive this long. Rufus gave me book recommendations that might help with that, but most of them weren't in the library at present.

"I'm sure His Viciousness will be done with Ms Green's Findings on Childhood Trauma Theory soon." The librarian, Scholar Violet, assured me. She was a dark skinned human from North Sumbria who kept her frizzy black hair in a partial updo. I half expected the librarian to be wearing glasses, but instead she had a spy glass hooked to her belt and dangling from a chain. She was at the front desk, using it to read a tiny book, and taking notes in a much larger book with a purple ink quill.

"Thank you, Violet. I'll just take a look around then." I nodded, leaving the Scholar to her work.

I'd been to the library a handful of times since arriving. Mostly in regards to things from reports that I wanted to research further after working in Keith's office. As much as I enjoyed the odd story, I preferred baking in my spare time, and looking up fun new recipes!

The library was enclosed, so as to prevent sunlight from wearing the spines of the books. Floor to ceiling bookshelves were set up like the spokes of a wheel, granting the librarian at the centre a full view of the room. An aisle wound around the outside, and the outer walls were a collection of books and scrolls and tools for lend - as well as maps and all manner of knickknacks.

Small doors in alcoves let out into pocket reading rooms overlooking the carnivorous flower garden, with very comfortable daybeds to relax on - the same as in Rufus's office.

The library was in the castle wing between the gardens and the village outside the castle, so that anyone could come and enjoy the knowledge it held. There were a few magical stone wyvern golems to deter theft, and their heads followed any who entered with a watchful eye.

I was standing there in front of the Monster Class Anatomy section, reading about the different types of toe bones that each species of dragon had, when a hand holding a book dropped in front of me.

"Violet said you were looking for this?"

Keith was right behind me. I took the book and turned to face him, smiling. He looked a little dishevelled - his usual Dark Magician King robes were missing a top button and the second button from the bottom was gone now too… I pulled my eyes away from his bare chest and straight to his lips, which didn't help. "Thank you."

"It's an interesting read about how your childhood defines you." Keith raised an eyebrow. "I wonder how close we are? Both single children, raised to take over a kingdom someday. Though my mother is dead and yours is better off– um, far far away."

I chuckled and said, "I am enjoying being far far away from my parents, so I'll give you that."

"As it is," Keith said. "We have a lot in common."

I found myself leaning into him and wondered if he was struggling with the same desires I was. I gripped the book tighter.

Keith leaned closer too. We were in plain sight of Violet, and I didn't even care. I just wanted him to kiss me. My cheeks grew hot, and the only thing stopping me from outright grabbing him were the books in my arms.

Before it went any further, however, Keith drew in a deep breath through his nose and rocked back. He asked, "Why don't you read the book and then we can talk about it over tea tomorrow?"

A little disappointed, but completely understanding that he must be feeling as uncomfortabe, I replied, "Sure."

I asked, "how was your time with Rufus?"

"It went well." For some reason he looked… guilty? I eyed him harder and the tips of his pointed ears darkened. "We mostly talked about making a plan."

"A plan?"

"Yes," Keith coughed. "A plan."

I ducked around him. "Why don't I check these out," I lifted up the books. "And you can tell me more about the plan?"

Keith followed. "I'd rather hear how your session went? Is there anything I can do to help? Are you… ready? For next week's battle? We have what, six days until St Veralyn's Day?"

"Hmm." I hmm'ed. But I wouldn't press him on what he talked about with Rufus. Just as I didn't want to talk about how much I'd been overcome with emotions that morning, being told that my trauma was probably a tool to control me and that it was a form of abuse that I should consider unjust instead of 'normal'. Something inside me knew that if Rufus had said this when I'd first arrived here then I wouldn't have really listened.

Being surrounded by nice people… actually maybe I should change that thought to being surrounded by normal people had really opened my eyes to how toxic and corrupt it was back home.

As much as I fought to save people in my father's court from his injustices - like that maid I'd rescued the day I left - I was always blind to the idea of change. That was just the way it was… and it had never crossed my mind that it could be any other way. My defiance was rebellion… not a desire for normalcy.

I stopped in the stacks halfway down the aisle to the check out desk. "I'm ready for the battle. I'm ready to cut all ties with Drendil, and I'm ready…"

I stared at Keith, hovering awkwardly close as he absently pushed his glasses back into place after the sudden stop.

"I'm ready for more things. Interesting things."

Keith jerked and almost knocked off his glasses entirely. He nodded and gave me the most forced smile I'd ever seen. It was conflicted and frustrated and yearning all in one and I wondered what had changed since yesterday. I was confident that our kiss in Gren's Keep was magical and that we were courting - unless this hesitation was brought on by his meeting with Rufus?

I cursed at the beastman in my heart, but smiled back at Keith, "Whenever we are both ready, of course."

"Of course…" He hesitated as if he meant to say more, but whatever griffin had caught his tongue made him close up again.

Since he had a tendency to remain silent with his thoughts when he wasn't ready to share them, I let him keep them - for now. I cradled both books in one arm and reached out to take his hand before continuing down the aisle. His palm was sweaty and he hesitated a second before entangling our fingers together and squeezing my hand like he normally did.

He walked with me to check out the books, still silent.

When we left the library he turned to me and said, "I forgot something, I have to go."

It was an excuse, I knew. I tried not to worry about him as he walked off at a determined pace.