Side Story 29: And a Letter to His Wife

The weather was exceptionally good on the day he found out that Gu Tingyin was pregnant.

The weather was exceptionally good on the day he found out that Gu Tingyin was pregnant.

The warm sunlight flowed through the window and onto the desk. She stood on her tiptoes as she hurriedly pulled out a book from the bookshelf.

Shen Zhijin wrapped his arms around her waist from behind and held her firmly in his arms.

!!

“What is it that you want to see? I’ll help you get it. ”

Gu Tingyin turned her head to look at him, her almond-shaped eyes shining brightly.

“Sunspot”! “Black hole and Time Warp”! No, no, “The Universe in a Nutshell”! Oh, but isn’t “The Physical Universe” better?”

Shen Zhijin laughed.

“Why do you suddenly want to look at this?”

Every time she read this kind of book, she would leave in high spirits but return as if without a care. She would then wave her hand and throw the book to him.

However, if he read for too long, she would come back to take the book away and throw herself into his arms.

Gu Tingyin’s black almond-shaped eyes widened as she looked at him with a serious expression on her face.

“It’s prenatal education! Of course, we have to start as soon as possible! What if Tang Tang is like me in the future and can’t understand physics?”

The name ‘Tangtang’ had just been given to the baby.

She pointed at the bookshelf again and muttered softly, “Were those books not enough? Why don’t you help Tangtang choose some, Ah Jin?”

Shen Zhijin froze for a moment. He really had not expected that this would be the first thing she thought of. His tidy and handsome eyebrows stretched out as he smiled.

“Isn’t it a little too early?”

Gu Tingyin snorted.

“In what way is it too early? We have to start working hard now!”

Shen Zhijin helped her take down the books.

“Shall I read them with you?”

Gu Tingyin nodded repeatedly.

“If there’s anything I don’t understand, you can tell it to Tangtang directly!”

The two of them sat down at the desk.

Gu Tingyin lowered her head to look at her still flat stomach and gave a serious warning, “Tangtang, you have to work hard and strive to be as smart as Daddy in the future! Mommy even bought you a telescope and a Nebula Atlas!”

After that, she picked up the book “The Physical Universe” that was placed at the top and flipped it open to read it in a serious manner.

..

Fifteen minutes later, the book in Gu Tingyin’s hands had only been flipped to the second page.

However, she was so sleepy that she could not keep her eyes open, and her little head continuously nodded off.

Shen Zhijin intended on carrying her back to rest.

“Would you like to sleep?”

“!”

Gu Tingyin snapped back to her senses and immediately shook her head in refusal.

“No, no way! I haven’t finished the book yet!”

As she spoke, her eyes widened as she stared fiercely at the book.

But in less than a minute, the words seemed to become elusive, and uncontrollably, her eyelids began to close again.

Struggling with all her might, she began to spout nonsense.

“Tangtang … Today’s prenatal education hasn’t…”

Shen Zhijin could not argue with her, so he ruffled her hair.

“Should I read it to you and Tangtang?”

Gu Tingyin finally relaxed and nodded.

“Alright!”

Shen Zhijin hugged her from behind as he helped her hold her books.

His deep and clear voice rang throughout the quiet room.

After a long time had passed, he finally stopped and lowered his eyes when he heard her breathing become more regular.

The sunlight fell on her eyelashes, casting a faint shadow on her face. One could even see the fine hairs on her fair and clear skin.

He kissed the space between her eyebrows as he gently covered her lower abdomen with the palm of his hand, and the corners of his lips curved slightly.

“Tangtang, Daddy bought you a sketchbook and paintbrushes.

“It’ll be better if you’re more like your mother.”

…

The night was dark.

Shen Zhijin slowly opened his eyes.

The room was dark.

He opened his eyes and looked at the ceiling but he did not seem to be looking at anything at all. His eyes were dark and obscure, as if they were darker than the night.

...

Something seemed to be pressing onto his body, and it felt so heavy that he almost could not breathe.

He sat up and lifted the blanket. His chest heaved up and down as he took deep breaths, fighting for the thin oxygen in the air.

He felt like a dying fish, unable to do anything other than breathe.

The room was so quiet that he could even hear his own rapid heartbeat.

One of his hands was pressed to his heart. Due to the force, his shirt was wrinkled, his knuckles were white, and the veins on the back of his hand were bulging.

Yet, he still could not fall asleep.

The moment he closed his eyes, he was met with an overwhelming fire that burned his entire body.

The cold moonlight outlined his thin figure.

He was curled up against the head of the bed, and his breath was so suppressed that it felt like it was completely suffocating him.

It was as if a large hole had been dug out of his chest, leaving him in a bloody mess.

With every breath he took, the cold wind gushed in wildly, bringing with it a burning pain.

...

He opened his mouth, but no words came out.

Finally, he lowered his head and rested it on his knees, his back trembling violently.

…

After another sleepless night, he sat alone with his eyes wide open until dawn.

Someone knocked on the door and walked in.

“Ah Jin.”

Uncle Qi walked in with a bowl of porridge and looked at him with a complicated expression on his face.

During this period of time, both of Shen Zhijin’s parents had fallen ill. He himself had locked himself in here and refused to come out.

Time seemed to have stopped.

He had a very good relationship with Shen Zhijin’s father and mother, so he had specially come over to take care of him.

“Have something to eat.”

He handed the porridge over.

Shen Zhijin finally moved.

In just a few days, he had lost a lot of weight. His eyes were dark and bloodshot.

He had become dull and it took a while for him to react to what Uncle Qi was saying. He turned his stiff body and raised his hand to take the bowl of porridge.

However, he had no strength left and he could not even catch the bowl of porridge, causing it to fall to the ground with a loud bang.

Shen Zhijin lowered his head to look, without any expression on his face. After a while, he finally realized that something had fallen on the ground. He reached out to pick it up.

“Ah Jin!”

Uncle Qi quickly stopped him.

“The bowl is broken. Let me clean it up.”

As he spoke, he quickly tidied up the area.

Shen Zhijin looked at it for a while before finally withdrawing his gaze, his eyes looking completely unfocused.

Uncle Qi silently sighed.

“Ah Jin, you can’t go on without eating or drinking. Your body can’t take it. I’ll go get you another bowl.”

Shen Zhijin still did not speak.

He had been like this whole time, as if he had lost the ability to speak.

Uncle Qi turned around and walked to the door before turning back to look.

“Ah Jin, everyone is… very worried about you. If she knew you were like this…”

Gu Tingyin’s name had almost become a taboo, and no one dared to mention it in front of him.

However, what had happened had already happened.

If Shen Zhijin continued like this, he was afraid…

Shen Zhijin’s eyelashes fluttered slightly.

After a long time, he finally opened his mouth. His dry lips moved slightly, and his voice was extremely hoarse as he spoke.

“… I want to drink a peanut milkshake.”

Uncle Qi was stunned for a moment. When he saw that Shen Zhijin had finally spoken and was willing to eat, he quickly nodded.

“Alright! I’ll go and buy it for you now!”

Uncle Qi moved quickly. He was worried that the peanut milkshake would not be enough, so he also bought a few boxes of peanut crisps.

In fact, Shen Zhijin’s stomach was very fragile right now, so he should not have been eating these things. But this was the only thing he wanted to eat at the moment, so he did not bother about that fact.

“Just eat a little first. Then, you should have some porridge later to warm your stomach.”

As Uncle Qi spoke, he watched Shen Zhijin open the box and put a piece of peanut crisp into his mouth. Since he was finally starting to eat, no matter what it was, he felt a little relieved.

“I’ll help you heat up the porridge.”

With that, he left.

Shen Zhijin slowly chewed on the peanut crisps and swallowed them.

Then, he picked up another piece.

He moved mechanically.

It was a familiar yet strange smell.

When they had first got together, she had always asked him to help her eat these things. Then, she would lean over to smell the scent on the corner of his lips.

After that, he had eaten less of it because he could not kiss her after eating peanuts.

It had indeed been a long time since he had eaten these.

He kept stuffing peanut crisps into his mouth as if he could fill up the hole in his heart.

That was until his hand caught nothing…

He lowered his head and saw that the box was empty.

However, it was not enough.

He picked up the peanut milkshake again.

The moment he uncovered it, the rich sweet smell of peanuts and milk assailed his nose.

He took a sip.

The sweet taste filled his mouth.

His stomach suddenly spasmed violently.

“Ah Jin, the porridge is ready…”

Uncle Qi had just arrived at the door, but he did not see anyone.

The sound of vomiting could be heard from the bathroom.

He was stunned. It was only then that he realized that Shen Zhijin had finished all three boxes of peanut crisps that had been on the table. The empty peanut milkshake cup had fallen to the ground, leaving only a little residue that flowed out of the cup.

His heart tightened, and he immediately headed to the bathroom.

Shen Zhijin was kneeling on the ground as he held on to the toilet bowl and vomited out everything he had eaten.

Because he was so emaciated, his shoulder blades were particularly prominent, making him look very bony. He looked like he was about to spit everything out.

He almost vomited blood.

Uncle Qi’s hands trembled as he held the bowl of porridge.

…

Another night passed.

The darkness of the night and the silence were repeated.

Everything was the same as yesterday and there was no difference from the day before that.

Shen Zhijin took off his glasses and sat quietly for a long time. Finally, he came to the desk.

When he turned on the table lamp, the dim yellow light reflected on his extremely pale face, making it look translucent.

He took out a sketchbook from the drawer and opened it.

The first page showed a sketch of him on the boulevard of Xijing University.

On the second page, there was a picture of him in the pouring rain.

On the third page, the picture showed him in a corner of the restaurant.

…

Everything in the book was about him.

It documented everything from the first time they met until now.

She had filled the thick book with her sketches.

She had drawn his facial features so many times that even he, who had never cared about his appearance before, could clearly remember the way he looked in her eyes.

He looked through each page until he came to the last page where he was carrying Tangtang in his arms.

He stared at the page for a long time before he continued to flip to the next page.

Blank.

There was nothing.

He took a pen and placed the tip on the large blank space.

– Yinyin.

…

‘Yinyin, I have insomnia again today.

‘You probably don’t know this, but I haven’t been sleeping well recently, and I can’t really eat.

‘Actually, I would really like to sleep well, because only then might I be able to see you.

‘But now, even that is a luxury.

‘Are you still angry with me? It’s all my fault. You should be angry.

‘But you have many ways to punish me. Why did you choose this one? You didn’t even give me a chance to ask you if it hurts.

‘Yinyin, I don’t like peanut milkshakes anymore.

‘In another three hours, the sky will be bright, and it will be another day.

‘But I’m afraid.

‘I’m afraid that tomorrow will be a sunny day, the sun will be strong, and the wind will be hot. Then you won’t come to ask me for directions.

‘I’m afraid that it’ll be rainy tomorrow. The rain will be pouring down and the ground will be muddy. You won’t come and ask me to hold an umbrella for you.

‘I’m afraid that the weather will be good tomorrow, but I’m also afraid that the weather will be bad tomorrow.

‘That’s because you won’t be coming back.

‘I’m afraid of every tomorrow that I’ll have without you.

‘I’ve tried my best. I’ve tried to sleep, I’ve tried to eat, I’ve tried to read, I’ve tried to get my life back on track like before.

‘But I can’t do it.

‘A planet’s orbit will not change because of meteors, but it turns out that what it lost was its star.

‘It can only be confused, collapsed, and destroyed.

‘I’m not sure if you still remember the law of conservation of energy that I told you about in class.

‘It turns out that love also follows this law.

‘Love will not appear out of thin air, nor will it disappear into thin air. It only changes from one form to another, from one person to another, and the total amount of love remains the same.

‘It’s probably because you’ve given me too much, and now it’s finally my turn to repay you.

‘Day after day, year after year has passed.

‘I can return it, but now, I don’t even have the chance to.

…

He finished writing the last word and put down his pen.

Outside the window, the sky was bright.

He looked at his left wrist, where the scarlet blood was slowly seeping out.

Strangely, it did not hurt.

Perhaps it was a form of release.

He slowly bent over, closed his eyes, and let out a breath.

This time, he would finally not have to be afraid of tomorrow.

…

He seemed to have had a very long dream.

In the dream, it had been pitch black everywhere.

He had not known where to go. He merely stood there, feeling the cold wind pierce through his bones.

“Ah Jin.”

Someone called out to him.

His heart trembled as he turned around to look.

The surrounding darkness quickly receded at that moment, leaving only a blinding white that covered the sky and earth.

She walked towards him.

He froze there, unable to move.

It had been too long since he had seen her, and he could not bear to look away.

“… Yinyin.”

He heard his own voice tremble.

She stood in front of him and took his hand. She frowned as her face was full of heartache.

“Ah Jin, does it hurt?”

It hurt.

How could it not hurt?

His chest was heavy and his throat was blocked, but he could not say a word.

She gently blew on the wound on his wrist and raised her little face.

“Because Ah Jin is in pain, so am I. Tangtang as well.

His heart felt as if it had been pierced by something.

“I don’t want Ah Jin to feel pain.”

She murmured as she hugged him and shook her head.

In the silence, he heard himself say-

“Alright.”

…

When he woke up again, he was in the hospital.

Uncle Qi was standing guard by the bed. When he saw him open his eyes, he finally heaved a sigh of relief and whispered, “Ah Jin, it’s a good thing we found out in time. It’s good that you’re fine. I’ve kept this from your parents, but don’t you ever-”

He did not finish his sentence, but his meaning was clear.

Shen Zhijin was silent for a long time before he finally spoke, his voice sounding slightly hoarse.

“I won’t.”

Uncle Qi did not fully believe him. He was about to bring it up again when he heard Shen Zhijin suddenly say, “Where’s the nearest flower shop?”

Uncle Qi was stunned.

“What’s wrong?”

Shen Zhijin looked out the window.

The sun was warm and bright. It could even be said that it was quite dazzling.

“Yinyin likes camellias. I haven’t bought her any this week,” he said.

He could not bear for her to be in pain, so even though his insides were already a bloody mess and in extreme pain, he would endure it.

Even if time seemed long and there was no end to it.

However, he had promised her, so of course he had to keep his promise.

He stared at the light for a long time before a smile finally appeared on his face.

Actually, there was no need to bother.

He had already died in the brilliant sunlight.